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Wow! I can't believe I haven't updated this website in almost 2 years. Well here I am, on the balcony at a hotel, 1 day post surgery and 1 day before my birthdate. Yesterday morning I had top surgery performed by Dr. B, here in San Fran. I was a little nervous yesterday. The impact of this surgery still has not "hit me" yet. I haven't seen my chest; Dr. B gave specific instructions not to open the binding. He will do so on Friday, the same day he is to remove these awful drains and change the dressing. I have a very good friend "A" out here helping me. Definitely much appreciated! Back to this damn binder, the thing is a pain in the a$%! Friday can't get here fast enough! But I will still have to wear te damn ting for one more week after friday! There are people who don't have the opportunity that I have so I should minimize the complaints; although it is definitely a geed idea to be honest for whoever is reading this and contemplating having top surgery done. Dr. B said that the surgery went very well and that he was very pleased about the outcome. I will have the final say about the outcome however! But it sure did feel good to know that he said that, very reassuring! I was fortunate enough to have friends and chosen family to support me financially, otherwise I'd be back in the state of mass going about my business like everything was fine. Anywho...I think the surgery took about 2.5 hours. I wasn't nauseous when I woke up, much to my relief! The drugs they gave me for pain while in the hospital, had me high as a kite! I didn't really like that feeling but it knocked out the pain! I have taken 3 percs (one before I left the hospital) and the rest I had when I got back to the hotel. I must say that this has been a very expensive trip! In addition to the surgery fees, there is the cost of food and transportation! No wonder people have hard times raising funds! Its as if the cards are stacked against you. I wish I could afford to pay for someone else's surgery, but I don't have the $.

I've been laying down a lot. I feel like I'm getting tired right now. I'm gonna end this so that I can go lay down. I must admit that I am very nervous about seeing the results. more than anything I will just be reeeeeeally happy to have a FLAT chest!!

Thanks to everyone who helped make this possible! Luv ya!

Forgot the update about my libido. It seems more easy to deal with now. I guess I'm used to it. On average I probably take care of things 5-6 days out of the week. Usually twice a day. Definitely twice a day being as though I am unemployed. HA! I know, it's incredible. :) The feelings no longer make me feel INSANE. I have learned to be in charge. By that I mean, I take care of my priorities before I self indulge. HA!HA! And to think, before T i could go for months without it. Wow. Interesting. Ok that's enough now. I'm not sure how much I will be updating in the future. I think this website may turn into more of a journal. I'll figure it out as I go along. Feel free to drop me a line. There's a guestbook link on the, "voice" page......peace friends :)

1-29-08

Been a minute.... Well it's been over a year now since I started t. Last month I quit my job. I was there for over 6 years I think. Transitioning at work was an experience all in itself. Was lucky to work with understanding people. I just needed a change of scenery. Doing the unemployment thing until I find work. Im back in college, doing the info technology thing-for now. LAST TUESDAY I HAD THE 'F' ON MY LICENSE CHANGED TO 'M'!!!!!!!! I got this wonderful letter from my dr. went into the rmv, handed the clerk the letter. And BOOM, it was changed. Email me if u want more details. I am more than happy to chat with you about it. Man, I couldn't stop staring at that piece of paper. And I COULDN'T get out of the rmv fast enough!! HA! I kind of felt like it was a dream! Well the real thing came in the mail today. I was scared to open it. Thought they may have switched it back! I know, sounds silly. But when I saw it, I just felt very happy and accomplished. VERY, VERY HAPPY! :)

It will make life a lot easier.

About my physical changes, I have a lil beard now. Seems like every few days I notice new hairs growing in an out line of my chin. It’s sort of like it's hinting as to how my goatee will look. I am very optimistic that I will have one. For a while, I didn't think I would have any serious facial hair. From what I’ve read, the facial hair thing can happen fast or take its own sweet time. My brothers don't really have any facial hair. In fact it's safe to say that I have more than the both of them combined. We have different fathers. Maybe that has something to do with it. The hair above my lip is still taking its sweet time growing in. I honestly don't pay as much attention to it anymore. Just want it to surprise me. HA!

i weigh 161.5 lbs

I can't really tell if my voice has changed anymore. But Im going to add a voice clip anyways.

Am taking .75 mg of testosterone every week.

As far as the family thing goes, I still haven't talked to my mother. Been playing phone tag with my uncle. when he leaves a message, he calls me by my old name. I don't get it. Y can't this just be easy???? Talked to my aunt a month ago. Seems my grandmother has moved into a nursing home. Guess she's doing ok physically, despite her Alzheimer’s.

Well overall I feel great. This has been a really interesting year for me. I’ve learned a lot about myself and people. I’m so glad I started this transition.

im feeling good about alot of things. i'm not sure if my voice has dropped but i'm gonna add a recording. my damn head seems to have gotten bigger. near the temples. weird. my blood pressure has been elevated off and on. so i no longer pig out on as many processed foods, (chips, cookies, cheese). i still eat them just not in the same volume. HA! i've been having an occasional cig. definitely not good for my blood pressure and overall health. blah! still trying to get my t levels in order. i found out i wasn't taking the right dosage. so the levels should be getting back to , "normal". back in the gym. i'm trying to pack on some muscles. doing weight training and cardio at least 3 times a week funny, when i was pre-t, i felt as if my weight was just right. now i feel as if i'm too skinny. anyways...

i was shaving the hair on my chin twice a month. i could easily shave once a week to keep it clean. a few months ago i could shave once a month and be all set. HA! the hairs are starting to grow evenly and they are longer. sweet! however, it is still kind of pitiful looking by my standards. HA! but it gets better and better. a year ago i had only 4-5 hairs on my chin. my leg hairs are much longer. i can actually feel them when i rub my legs together. i sweat alot, ALL OVER.

my pre-t pics at work are down. chef asked me if i wanted them down and he just took them down right away. he's definitely a cool boss. i think everyone at work is on the same page now. i've explained to everyone i think. and friends at work have helped spread the word. transitioning at work is hard. i've been lucky to work with really understanding and respectful people. there is still an occasional slip but i feel that everyone is trying, so i'm happy. oh and the pics at home are down. a friend helped remove them. i still go to therapy-THANK GOD. haven't talked to my mom in a couple of months. still contemplating visiting grandma. her memory is even worse. may send some money instead. gonna add more pics soon. was gonna write more about manhood, will do that next time. lots of interesting thoughts! peace.....

life's good. can't complain much. i have a lot more hair on my body. i can grow a very light beard. maybe we should call it an 'eard'. HA! i even have hair on my knees. sweet! too bad i had to wait 30 yrs for this. nevertheless, i'm here.

i weigh 159 lbs. looking a little more solid. i've been working out but it hasn't been regularly.

work is work. the damn pictures are still hanging. i bought a camera in to work. took a few pictures. that's just still a work in process. my blood boils everytime i look at them and even think about them. anyways....

life without a monthly visitor is AWESOME! i feel so free.

wanted to note that i weigh 158 lbs. before t, my weight was between 135 and 145. I never weighed more than 150. i am 5' 5".

everythings cool. the lines in my hands are more pronounced. my fingers are still stiff when i make a fist. arthritis runs in my fam so im HOPING that's not it. i should do some research.

i haven't mentioned anything to chef about the photos at work. i really need to. i hate seeing them all over the place. i guess it's easy to ignore certain things. but i really need to get on top of that issue 4 real. it just poses another question that i have to answer. what do i want to happen to my pre-t photos? i just don't feel they should be displayed any longer. it's just an inappropriate thing. maaaaaaaan, this stuff can really stress a person out. i just need to handle it. fuk! why can't everyone just GET IT........... ok, i will take care of it when i go back to work....... on another note, i miss my family. i feel like i need to visit. but i really need to try and keep myself in positive spaces right now...... ok, that's all for now

where do i begin? everything is going very well. i am always addressed as he or sir by strangers. fam and coworkers still struggle to grasp the concept but they are adjusting nevertheless.

i'm very happy with my progression.

sooooooo, my legs are hairy and the fat has been shifting. also, i have hair on my hands and they are looking more masculine.

although my arms aren't as hairy as my legs, they are getting bigger without the assistance of working out.

speaking of working out, i bench almost double what i used to be able to lift. i was very surprised because i haven't been to the gym in over a month, prior to this week. that discovery was very uplifting! i am not in tip top shape but my physique is definitely masculine. i will post pictures some time this week.

family- well i have only been in contact with my brother in chicago. no word from my mom or anyone else for that matter. i do miss my family. i will have to see them at some point i guess. i'm not sure how they will react. but i am not stressed about that anymore.

work- people are respectful. i think overall they are happy for me. i was told on several occasions, that i was basically admired because of the strength it takes to live my life as a trans person. let me just say that transitioning at work is a pain in the ass. there always seems to be someone i haven't, "told" or a person who didn't get the, "memo". i think i have been pretty patient. everyone means well. one thing that's bothering me are the pre-t pictures of me hanging up all over the kitchen. i plan on talking to chef about taking them down. they are frickin EVERYWHERE! HA! he will understand.

one last thing. i'm in a new relationship with a really cool, intelligent and respectful queer/femme identified woman who actually gets what it's all about!!

i could write more, but i will not! HA!

overall, my confidence is high and i'm feeling really great about life :)

more later peoples...........

let's see. the hair on my legs is finally growing! i no longer have that high pitch in my voice. 1 major thing, i am totally being addressed as a guy now. it's still new to me. even on the phone man! definitely uplifting.

everyone at work is aware of things now. they took it very well. i really didn't know how they would react. i feel alot better about the situation. i want to be addressed as he. no more messing around :)

libido is about the same. i'm always ready to go! HA!

my mom called a couple of days ago. she called me by my former name. that really pissed me off. she left a message telling me to call my grandma. moms is still in denial. she really tests my patience when she disrespects me. but i called grandma and nobody answered. then my aunt calls saying hello. this particular aunt NEVER calls. shit is weird. i dunno.

well, i'm really coming into myself right now. i'm feeling very good about myself, life etc. my body is becoming more masculine. shoulders broadening. face changing. the chin hair is growing faster. i can still count them however. the burns are a little more visible. definitely not chops! HA! oh but the happy trail is coming in lovely. ya gotta love it. overall, things are going very well for me on many levels. peace for now...

put up sum new pics. i haven't published any new pics of my back or stomach, as there hasn't been much of a change. however, i have taken pictures of those areas.

well, i'm in the process of leaving my ftm group. maybe i will stay. it's kind of boring. but whatever.

i'm becoming hairy. slowly but surely. i've also been having a problem falling asleep at night. could be from quitting smoking. i quit almost a month ago. i chew nicorette but not regularly.

i feel very confident. although sometimes i have lows. i think it's because i'm isolated. i live in a small town.

i am getting very close to telling everyone at work about my ftm status. it's so annoying now. she, ma'am, her blah, blah, blah. i mean what tha fuk?! i really need to do this before i fucking snap! this young woman at work called me a girl. i told her i wasn't. she actually tried to argue with me. it was a big step to tell her that i am not a girl. right then and there i almost told her man. so close. aaaaaaah, i am so thankful for therapy!

on another note, i have a different physician now. the only black dr. at my clinic is now gone. i suspect something fishy but i'm not able to prove it right now. she was the one who actually got this process started for me. my first time meeting her she asked me if i liked what i saw (my body) when i looked in the mirror. that one question has led me to this path i am now on. so i'm sad that she's gone. now i have another dr. she is also a woman of color.

well friends, that's all for now.......peace

working on new pics. should be up in a day or two...

Sup. Been a minute. Well, I'm injecting 150 every 2 weeks! I feel great. The baby hairs on my chin have finally turned to stubble! I can still count them however. HA! Who are you to judge? :) I noticed hair growing on my lower back. I have a little acne at the top of my back. Not much on my face. My skin is really oily. Still have to wash it 3-4 times a day. The hair on my forearms is finally getting longer although it is still soft for the most part. The same is true for my legs and stomach. Although the stomach hairs are coming in pretty good all over my belly. And yes I do mean belly. It seems the fat has shifted more centrally!! I'm gonna hit the gym hard starting tomorrow and forever! My hips have been making an exit. I've never had HUGE hips but the curve was noticeable when i was unclothed. Shit, I'm already talking past tense. YEA boi!

I haven't had any aches and pains from muscle growth as a result of testosterone; that pain has only come the old fashioned way. My dr. says I weigh 148 lbs. I'm usually in the range of 135-140's. Honestly, I don't think I've been 135 since I was in my early 20's! But it's what I like to believe. Fuck you if you can't take a joke :) My voice still cracks sometimes. It's slightly deeper. I'm feeling good about where it's at so far. That along with the hair growth on my arms, has boosted my confidence a bit. I should note, my confidence level is usually high.

Family. I called my aunt and told her about my transition. She was surprised but respecful. I asked her to spread the word to the rest of the family, she agreed. I asked her how she felt. She said she didn't agree but that she wouldn't treat me any differently as a person. I have to admit I was a little let down by her saying she didn't agree. My family never says anything like that to me. I guess I can't complain. This is the aunt who helped my grandma and ma, raise me. I would spend the summer at her house in petersburg, va in the summer. I really love her alot. ok, enough. It was hard to tell her that. I felt like a little fuckin kid! I'm glad that's over with. My grandma's 85th (?)birthday is april 13th. They are planning a huge party for her down there. My grandma is in the last stages of alzheimers. Shit breaks my heart man. Anyways, I say this because I am supposed to go to the party. I don't want any ill treatment when I am there and I really don't want to see my grandma that way. I really don't. I need to make up my mind really soon though. I would have to ask chef for the days off. It's on a weekend. I don't know what to do..... I will update later.

peace and love friends,

What's uuup.... So everything is pretty good over here. The same changes have been occuring. I have more fine hairs on my stomach and face. I have a very weak looking mustache. In fact, let's not use that word. Whiskers, I have a good amount on the corner of my top lip. I have fine hairs on my chin that I have to shave. My neck has gotten a little thicker. My face has definitely changed. Check the pics. The voice is getting looow! It cracks alot. My throat always feels like there's something in it. Oh what a feeling!! HA! My face is OILY and I don't like it. HA! I bought a bunch of anti-oil facial products.

The little man appears to be the same size. :)

I haven't told anyone else at work besides chef. Also, I haven't spread the good word to the rest of my family. Sometimes I procrastinate. Fuck it! I'm gonna do it sooner than later.

I'm planning on going to visit my grandma in VA, at the end of March. Gonna meet my girl down there. I want to meet my dad for the first time. I really want to see what this man looks like, how he acts, talks, walks, shits-SIKE-HA! I'm hoping it might give me a clue as to what I may look like etc.

I am feeling more confident and that feels GREAT. I'm back in the gym and trying to quit smoking.

Well that's all for now........

i've been on t for 1 month. not much of a change. just my libido. let's just say there's been an increase in my activities :) usually i release once and then i'm done for the day. i got off 2 times today. within 2 hours! and i'm gonna do it AGAIN before i go to bed. INSANE!

well, i'm 30 years old now. whatever that means. I am feeling much better. I will be seeing the surgeon tomorrow for a follow up on my chest surgery.

i had a visit from an old enemy of mine yesterday. she's still here. she comes around once a month. hopefully this will be the last time she drops by.

i had my 3rd shot two days ago. i injected myself again. it was slightly easier. the nurse said she was impressed. HA! i will go once more i think. that will be the 100 ml in two weeks. i can't WAIT! finally get more man juice flowin!

as far as changes...hair. you know, the soft kind that u can barely see. and it's growing slowly. i think my face has changed somewhat. i can't quite put my finger on it. oh and my skin is more oily! ugh! yo. i look in the mirror and my face is just SHINING. not sexy. HA!

i don't think a new picture is worth posting right now. shit! tomorrow will mark a month since i started t! that was fast

1-18-07 post surgery

i'm just sitting on my bed recovering from a surgery. i had a bilateral reduction. i feel ok. still a little tired. not really in pain though. i took a peek and it doesn't look bad at all. i have to change my own dressing. damn i need my girlfriend here. haven't really been focused on changes from T. I just want to recover from this surgery! HA! i'm such a baby right now . ok, i'm feeling tired. gonna lay down

Today the nurse encouraged me to give myself the shot. I did it. It wasn't that big of a deal. I wasn't exactly thrilled about it but it was easy. I'm psyched now. So I will be doing this at home sooner than i thought. HA! Once more with the nurse and then I will be done. Also, after my next visit, I will be moving up in ml's. Hopefully to 100! I am surprised by the changes. they aren't very dramatic but they are here! I welcome them with open arms.

My voice is the same. This past Sunday, my voice sounded a little hoarse. I got pretty excited. It went away the next day. HA!

Libido is still the same.

Just got back from California. I'm feeling good!

1 Week on T: 1-02-07

i'v had a few prickly hairs growing on my chest and my face, on the cheek bone. They're pretty high on my face. the hairs are very small. i can barely feel them. they are black hairs. my little man has grown! not by much but it's very obvious to me. i noticed it 2 days ago. i tried it out a little while ago. it was awesome. i don't feel the details are very relative at this point. HA!

anger- yesterday i had a bit of an anger problem. i kept it in control. it was about something so very small. but my temper escalated! usually i can blow things off easily. yesterday it took a little more effort. i decided to jog. speaking of which, i felt as if i had more stamina and could have gone alot longer. the jogging worked!! i really couldn't believe how upset i was man. i've been angry before but yesterday i felt pretty, shall i say, PASSIONATELY angry!! HA! shit. thank goodness for therapy. i don't really see myself getting out of control. i know the kind of person i am and want to be. yeah right, i wll probably end up whoopin some ass!! nah, i'm kidding. i'm too old for that shit.

there has been NO voice change. makes me sad. HA! i feel accomplished, happy and proud. i felt that way be4T

well that's all for now folks!!

2 days later 12-28-06

what's up brothers?! well i am feeling pretty good. there has been 1 change. and it isn't exactly a desirable 1. HA! last night i had trouble sleeping. i can't necessarily say that's a result of taking T. but it is very unusual for me. i was up til 4 talking on the phone to my girl. and she will tell u that i usually expire around 1 or 2. after i got off the phone with her, i COULDN'T fall asleep! man i was pissed! i hate that more than anything! THEN, to top it all off, i fucking woke up EARLY!! HA!HA! aaaw man. but what r u gonna do?! i don't feel tired at all! there have been no voice changes much to my dismay. i know, i gotta be patient. i'm just so ready for this change. nah mean? oh and i swear my little man seems a little more proud. it could be me! HA! i don't really measure the thing. well, i'm off to work my friends!

I am no longer Pre-T! 12-26-06

Tha kid has the juice! nah mean? my dr is starting me out with 50 mg every two weeks. that's better than nothing. she said we'll increase each month according to how my body responds. the nurse asked me if i wanted to give myself the shot. i said, "thanx but HELL no". amazing how a little needle can bring out the BITCH in a man. HA! she showed me how to do it tho. and i will be able to go to the clinic to receive my shot bi weekly so I don't have to do it myself! i'm thinking i will get over the whole needle thing. but as of now, i am totally cool with having a nurse do it. i told the nurse i wanted it in my thigh. it was quick and easy. painless really. my brothers, i feel relieved!

well my friends, i am on my way to get that wonderful juice! i'm not nervous. i am very excited! well, i'm running late! tell you all about it when i get back!!

well here i am, xmas day. just watching the eagles play the cowboys. tomorrow is the big day! T day! Right now, i'm not nervous. i was a few days ago. weird. i might be tomorrow. i will let you know. i've been waiting for this to happen since i was a lil kid. and tomorrow my process begins! i wonder if my dr. will let me take a picture!

Tuesday 12-19-06 7 days til T!!!!!!!
well my friends. today i officially made my app to receive my first shot of T!! had my blood tests 2 weeks ago-everything looks good. physical was yesterday. damn i hate those!! but what are ya gonna do? gotta get that shit done. nah mean?! after my physical, my dr was talking to me about "reproductive rights". i had been thinking about possibly freezing an embryo. my friend and my girl talked to me about thinking about it before i started t. well, i thought about it! i'm all set!! bring on the T MAAAN!!!

some more updates real quick. still haven't heard from my mother.

i told 1 of my brothers. the other one heard it through the grapevine. i thought he was still in jail. but i guess not! HA!
2006-12-20 03:43:53 GMTComments: 0 |Permanent Link

Still Pre=T... November 29, 2006
Today i took my tests to check my liver and hormone level. Still have to get my physical in two weeks. Tomorrow my therapist and Dr. meet to, discuss my transition, issue letters etc. Well I'm guessing that's how it works. So interesting how this whole process works. I'm lucky to have the two of them. I can't wait till things get started. This is taking forever!! Well I have been waiting all my life so I suppose I can wait another two FUCKIN WEEKS!! Probably more like 3 weeks. Well less than a month is cool with me. It's right around the corner Nick!! :) Told one of my friends about my transition today. She took it well. Sent my mother a letter Monday. She should get it by tomorrow, Friday at the latest. Not sure how she'll react, if she'll call. Maybe I'll post the letter as a guide on how to or NOT to approach your loved one. HA! Depending on the outcome :) Anyways...

Have been surfing the web for sites of Black transmen transitioning. I haven't had any luck so far. Dissapointing. I will keep searching. Our story needs to be told.
2006-11-29 21:49:14 GMTComments: 3 |Permanent Link

November 25, 2006
Hello, everyone. My name is Nick. I'm a 29 year old African-American Pre-T warrior. In a month I will begin taking the hormone, testosterone. Hopefully this is the beginning of a new journal for me. I've found many websites with lots of helpful information. I will have links, photos etc. once I finish this site. I want this to serve as my personal journal while I'm transitioning from female to male. I should have this up and running in a couple of days.


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